Oct
26
God has been revealing to me these past few years, how much fear has control of my life. I am allowing it to tell me what to do, what not to do… it can definitely the boss of me! If I allow the fearful thoughts to keep on multiplying, before you know it, I will be locking all the doors, drawing all the blinds, and sleeping in my room with all the girls and Sten, just in case… it can get CRAZY!
- Composing our family pillars…
This summer, our family went to Pine Cove Family Camp in Tyler, Texas. It was an amazing experience all around, but the most meaningful event to me was the zip line. I am terribly afraid of heights. Irrationally so. I have a crazy list of things I’ll never do if heights are involved… walk near the railing at the mall, being one… allow my children to walk near the railing… see? It even effects others. <sigh>
I knew the zip line was one of the activities offered by the camp, and completely out of character for me, I strongly encouraged the girls to actually do this while with their counselors. I knew I’d be nowhere near them at the time, so maybe with my neurosis out of the way… they might have fun! I was shocked when Kristina and Emma came to me later that day and said they DID IT! I was so happy for them, then realized with a sinking feeling, that they were going to expect me to actually believe what I had told them, and want to go on the zip line myself!
I knew I had to… I reluctantly went to the tower, got all buckled in the harness and started climbing the spiral staircase up to the platform. Emma had volunteered to go with me so I could see how much fun it was. 🙂 She was in front of me as we started ascending the staircase, and immediately the fearful thoughts started screaming at me. What if Emma falls?? That railing is very low! Can I catch her if she falls without falling myself?? I could feel hysteria welling up.
“Just walk and breathe… just walk and breathe…” I felt the Holy Spirit speak into the midst of my panic. For the first time, I realized that I could shut off the fearful voices. I made it to the top of that tower, and down the zip line, simply concentrating on walking and breathing. I know that without the Spirit’s help, I wouldn’t have made it up the stairs, let alone off the tower.
That has been such a valuable lesson to me these past couple months! I’ve started walking toward things that cause me fear, instead of running the other way. I refuse to let fear have control over me any longer. Since camp, I’ve started facilitating a seminary wives Bible study, signed up to be an AWANA leader, took a turn leading our couples study group, and stepped out and made some new friends that I would’ve felt too intimidated to talk to before.
I look forward to seeing how God will be able to use me as I fully surrender to Him, and not let fear tell me what I will or won’t do for Him. It’s been a surprisingly fulfilling yet terrifying ride, and I hope it never feels “safe” again. I don’t want to live in Borderland.
By the way… if you are looking for an amazing book to read, and/or want to have your faith stretched and challenged, and/or want to know what Borderland is…
October 26th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
You’ve made some great steps, and you’re much braver than I am! I might’ve done the zip line, but the other stuff – the stuff where I’d have to talk in front of people and lead people – no way! Keep going with it!
BTW, I never thought of you as feeling too intimidated to talk to anyone. That’s more me. You always seem open and friendly and confident.
October 26th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Ha! I am terrified to talk to people! I’m glad I hide it well… 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement. I want to be able to talk in front of others and lead well. I can’t believe I just said that!! Baby steps…
October 28th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you;not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 I am proud of you, sweetheart. You know the Lord doesn’t give us the spirit of fear but of power and a sound mind. Hang on, girl. I love you.
April 24th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
I have been struggling with this for a long tie, I appreciate the encouragement – it gives me hope. Maybe someoneelse will figure this out.