Our God is amazing.

This has been a trying month. Actually, I could say that about every month I guess. We struggle with God… asking for provision, trusting Him to do what no one else can do, doubting, crying… He doesn’t have to provide. People occasionally have to leave DTS because they waited on God and He didn’t provide. At least not in the way they expected. It seems like every month here will be our last.

I decided to read a biography on George Muller to be encouraged, and to read about God’s miraculous provision for this man. If you aren’t familiar with his story, you should definitely give it a read. It was very encouraging, and as a finished the book, I went into the kitchen to start supper. I watched Sten sitting on the couch, his internal struggle with God written all over his face. He was on the computer, trying to list everything we could possibly sell to make rent. I said “God will do something, Honey. He will. Don’t worry.”

As I started supper, I realized that I was out of soy sauce for my recipe. I started thinking about the Muller book, and thought, “I should pray for soy sauce. I bet there’s some by our door right now.”  I decided to go look out the door, and I noticed a white envelope lying on the floor by the door. My heart jumped as I picked it up and looked inside. I pulled out a paper that said:

God has provided this gift for you. Praise God!
God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:19

Inside, was $730 in cash… the exact amount of our rent. I just started crying, and called Sten over to see. We just sat there for a long time, in awe and wonder.

About 15 minutes later, there was a knock on the door, and a friend’s husband stood there with a large box of beautiful clothes to give the girls.

Later that night, I went to a meeting at school and a friend handed me two bottles of soy sauce. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t.

We still owe all of our bills… our electricity is set to be shut off on the 12th… but we are not afraid. God will supply our needs. There is such comfort in knowing that He knows every bill, every due date, and He will provide.

You’d think it would be easy after a while… maybe we’d get comfortable in knowing our needs will be met this month, and the next… it doesn’t. I’m trying to figure out some theology in all of this. Something I can claim. Something I can know for sure, and use to encourage others. I’m not sure there is… we’ll see… until then:

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”
-Daniel 3:17-18

Even if He doesn’t, we want to make it clear that we will continue to follow Him. We can do nothing else.

My friend Erin tagged me, so here goes.  Ok… seven weird/ random facts about me.  Hmmm…

1. I LOVE camels.  Really.

2. I, like my dear friend Erin, am also a foodie.  I love cooking (and eating) gourmet food… but alas, our current income no longer allows me this pleasure.  There’s always heaven…

3. I have horrible allergies, and am always driving my husband and those around me crazy by the pig-like sounds I make to scratch my throat.

4. I once made a strawberry pie that rendered an accomplished chef speechless with delight.

5. I tend to laugh when people get hurt… I’m working on not doing that…

6. I spontaneously attack my husband to keep him sharp.  Think Inspector Closeau. 

7. My husband has turned me into a full-fledged geek who can’t wait for the new season of Dr. Who.

Now I’m supposed to tag 7 others.  The problem is I don’t know 7 people who blog.  I’ll do my best… Kristina, Jaci, Katie, Sten-Erik

God has been revealing to me these past few years, how much fear has control of my life.  I am allowing it to tell me what to do, what not to do… it can definitely the boss of me! If I allow the fearful thoughts to keep on multiplying, before you know it, I will be locking all the doors, drawing all the blinds, and sleeping in my room with all the girls and Sten, just in case…  it can get CRAZY!

This summer, our family went to Pine Cove Family Camp in Tyler, Texas.  It was an amazing experience all around, but the most meaningful event to me was the zip line.  I am terribly afraid of heights.  Irrationally so.  I have a crazy list of things I’ll never do if heights are involved… walk near the railing at the mall, being one…  allow my children to walk near the railing… see?  It even effects others.  <sigh>

I knew the zip line was one of the activities offered by the camp, and completely out of character for me, I strongly encouraged the girls to actually do this while with their counselors.  I knew I’d be nowhere near them at the time, so maybe with my neurosis out of the way… they might have fun!  I was shocked when Kristina and Emma came to me later that day and said they DID IT!  I was so happy for them, then realized with a sinking feeling, that they were going to expect me to actually believe what I had told them, and want to go on the zip line myself!

I knew I had to…  I reluctantly went to the tower, got all buckled in the harness and started climbing the spiral staircase up to the platform.  Emma had volunteered to go with me so I could see how much fun it was.  :)  She was in front of me as we started ascending the staircase, and immediately the fearful thoughts started screaming at me.  What if Emma falls??  That railing is very low!  Can I catch her if she falls without falling myself??  I could feel hysteria welling up.

“Just walk and breathe… just walk and breathe…” I felt the Holy Spirit speak into the midst of my panic.  For the first time, I realized that I could shut off the fearful voices.  I made it to the top of that tower, and down the zip line, simply concentrating on walking and breathing.  I know that without the Spirit’s help, I wouldn’t have made it up the stairs, let alone off the tower.

That has been such a valuable lesson to me these past couple months!  I’ve started walking toward things that cause me fear, instead of running the other way.  I refuse to let fear have control over me any longer.  Since camp, I’ve started facilitating a seminary wives Bible study, signed up to be an AWANA leader, took a turn leading our couples study group, and stepped out and made some new friends that I would’ve felt too intimidated to talk to before.

I look forward to seeing how God will be able to use me as I fully surrender to Him, and not let fear tell me what I will or won’t do for Him.  It’s been a surprisingly fulfilling yet terrifying ride, and I hope it never feels “safe” again.  I don’t want to live in Borderland.

By the way… if you are looking for an amazing book to read, and/or want to have your faith stretched and challenged, and/or  want to know what Borderland is…

I’ve wanted to start this blog for some time, but have been procrastinating as usual.  :)  I will attempt to post at least weekly, or whenever I need to get thoughts out of my head and on paper.

Things seem pretty bleak… we are out of gas in the van, and I wonder if we will be able to go to church on Sunday.  The deadline for rent was today, and we are down to $5 in the checking account, and $6 in savings.  It definitely keeps us before God in prayer.

THEN… We got a call today to let us know we got another $1000 scholarship, and through some hard work from Karen in financial services, she figured out a way to get us a $1000 credit, which enables us to pay rent, with the rest going towards next semester!  We were also gifted $250 from another friend, which enabled us to pay utilities and gas!

I continue to be amazed at His care and love for us.  I often find myself wondering if we are doing the right thing.  I long for encouragement from people in our life… I actually mentioned that to Sten the other day.  That night, we came home to find a grocery cart full of food outside our door.  It even had dishwasher soap, which we had been out of for two days!  It was a good reminder to me to keep my eyes on our Father for encouragement… He has been so faithful to provide!